happy birthday to me (kinda)….

well its not actually my birthday. its an old AA term to remember the day when I quit drinking. its like when my life started. i can buy into that. i do have a new life.  it has been 25 years for me. not bad. i don’t go to AA so i wont get a pin or medal to mark this occasion. dont matter, i know and thats enough for me.

i will never forget being told i was nothing but a drunk and thats all that i would ever be. i out lived many of the ones that said that to me. i quit for me not to prove them wrong.

i never forget where i came from either. if i do, i know a few people that would gladly remind me. once i heard ‘you dont know where you are going until you know where you have been’. i also remember some asking if i thought i “was too good” when i refused to drink with them. i never thought that. i only wanted out of a life that i knew eventually would kill me.

i  became a drug abuser some where along the line. i also got involved in too much violence. i couldnt count how many fights i got into. or the scars that i got.  i gave all that up years ago. i  buried many of my down bros. some of them died way too young. there were a number of times i almost joined them. i am always grateful i still have life.

once a guy with a drinking problem asked me how i stopped drinking. i said i dont know. i just quit. it wasnt something i was consciously trying to do, it just happened. the longer i went, the more i was aware of the fact that i no longer had alcohol as part of my life.

i burned down many golden opportunities because of my alcoholism and drug use. i dropped out of fine schools, lost many jobs and friends. many of the bad things that happened to me were the result of my wrong lifestyle.

i am writing a book. my alcohol, drugging and days of violence are the hardest things to write about. i had almost a chapter done on those times. then i lost it. i have to go back and relive those days in my mind to write about them.

they were times i don’t like to remember. i bummed around the country. i went hungry many times. i had no where to go and all the time in the world to get there. i had no purpose other than just be in the moment i was in. i call them my lost years.

i wonder what kind of life i could have had if i wasnt into all that drinking, drugging and violence. no doubt i would have had a better life. i may not know what i do now though. it is the hardships i went thru that taught me to appreciate life. i found peace by seeing violence. i know beauty by having seen ugliness. i learned compassion by seeing others that had it worse than me. the education i had couldnt be learned from a text book.

i am content in life. i have nothing to prove to any one. i am glad i am alive. happy birthday to me.